Trying To Find My Way
by Aecoris
Summary: Part of my deafDean series. Two-shot dealing with Dean's inability to sleep without hearing, problems with vertigo, how he helps with interviews on hunts, and his interactions with girls. Takes place a few months after the last story.
1. Chapter 1

_Here's the next extension to my deaf Dean series. This one will be a **two-shot **with just two chapters. Here is the first one. The second one is almost done and will be dealing some more with Dean's vertigo, how he deals with certain interviews that he can go on and interacting with girls. This one is dealing with Dean's inability to sleep at night without sound and how Sam decides to help him. I hope you enjoy this chapter and the next. Thanks so much for your support! _

_And I haven't forgotten about John, he will be in the next story extension that will deal with the boys hunting._

* * *

Dean was slowly adjusting to his new life without hearing. Four months after their first hunt together and he was finally coming around to accepting things although he'd never truly get used to them. At least he could never imagine getting used to them. It was just so difficult to go around and not hear the little things that had filled his life everyday. He felt so empty sometimes, so disconnected from the world around him and he knew Sam could sense it. Dean was grateful for his little brother's understanding when he sometimes would flip out at his brother.

It was the small things that drove him crazy. He could deal with not being able to hear Sam because they would sign to each other. With other people, Sam would act as an interpreter and let Dean know what went on. But it was still so strange not to hear the sounds of the keyboard when he typed on Sam's laptop, the pop when he opened a bottle of beer, the lack of noise when he cracked his knuckles...Half of the time Dean had to do a double take to make sure he was actually doing some things. He saw himself doing them, but without sound it almost didn't seem real.

He was learning to be more confident in that respect now. Relying on the feel of vibrations to make sure he pressed hard enough on the keyboard and whatnot. He needed to practice these things for when he hunted. He had to make sure he pulled the trigger all the way or actually sliced the monster with a knife. He had to be extra observant and rely on his sense of feel where there was no sound.

It was during the night when Dean had the most trouble and when all his fears decide to come out. Not only does he triple-check the whole room before he gets into bed but once he _is_ in bed it's hard to take his eyes off of his brother. What if something grabbed Sam while Dean had his eyes closed, oblivious to the world? Dean would never know. What if something happened to Sam in his sleep? What if he was sick and screaming for his brother while Dean lay only a few feet away, unaware of what had just happened?

They've had this discussion about five times already and had come to a sort-of conclusion. Dean and Sam were to keep their cell phones under their pillows. If Sam sensed something in the room or if he wasn't feeling well _or _if he just simply needed his brother's attention he would call his phone. Dean was number one on Sam's speed dial and all Sam had to do was hold down that button if something happened and Dean's phone would vibrate under his head, thus waking Dean to anything that might be wrong. They had tested it out various times and everything was fine, Dean waking up as soon as he felt the buzzing. It wasn't the most efficient form of being able to protect his little brother but it was the best one out there for his needs and it worked.

Even with this technique sleep refused to come for the older Winchester. Feel was everything to him now. But what was he supposed to do when there was no sound and nothing to feel at all? Every time he closed his eyes at night it frightened him to the core. With his eyes closed he couldn't see or hear anything, it just felt like he was floating in space, disconnected from everything. He would be forced to open his eyes, to remind himself that he's still here, that he can still see. When his eyes closed he felt like he was missing out on something...he had no connection to how much time had passed when he was not able to hear or see anything. It was the scariest feeling in the world.

Unfortunately he couldn't hide this from Sam for very long at all. Sam had chalked up Dean's reason for not being able to sleep because Dean was worried about his little brother. Sam had no clue there was a whole other second part to it. So when the bags beneath Dean's eyes and the restfulness never went away, Sam knew something must have been up.

Sam decided to watch Dean one night, to stay awake for as long as he could and see what was up with his older brother. He saw the whites of Dean's eyes as his older brother waited for Sam to fall asleep. That was nothing new. So Sam pretended to fall asleep and waited. For the first half hour Sam heard nothing, not even Dean shifting in bed. He was sure that Dean was still watching him. Then he started to hear Dean tossing and turning. He cracked open one eye just a little and saw his brother moving restlessly in his bed, trying to be quiet but obviously not knowing that he was making noise. Dean turned from side to side, his hands running through his hair in agitation and then scrubbing over his eyes forcefully.

It was scary to say the least. While Dean would wake up at the slightest noise he had always been able to fall asleep quickly. Sam watched Dean continue to shift in bed before he heard it. Soft little whimpers coming from Dean. Sam almost thought he had imagined it until he heard them again. The noise sounded so open and painful that Sam wanted to cry. It was like he was actually hearing Dean's true feelings when Dean himself didn't know he was making the noises at all. These little sounds that came out of Dean's mouth were able to show Sam that his brother was suffering for some reason. Dean had no idea that he was making noises that sounded like a scared five year old boy who was lost. Maybe that was it, Dean was scared and lost and Sam had to figure out why.

"Dean?" Sam called out before mentally slapping himself. He still slipped like this sometimes but was grateful that Dean wouldn't know this time. The soft whimpers continued and Sam walked over to the bed. Once he sat down the noises immediately stopped and Sam saw his brother tense, reaching for the knife that was always under his pillow.

Sam put his hand on Dean's shoulder and rubbed it gently in small circles before tapping it twice with his fingers. It was Sam's signal for 'it's just me, it's Sam'. Dean relaxed at once and drew his hand away from his pillow. Still not looking at Sam he spoke.

"What's wrong Sammy?" His voice cracked and came out sounding unbelievably scared and tired and Sam felt his heart begin to break right there. He sighed and wondered if Dean had been getting any sleep at all. He was going to end up in the hospital if he kept this up.

Sam moved his hand down to Dean's bicep and squeezed. A sign for 'I'm okay' or 'Nothing's wrong'. But Sam saw how Dean's whole posture changed just from Sam laying his hand on him. He decided to experiment with this as he kept his hand in that same spot and gently rubbed Dean's arm with his thumb. He watched in amazement as Dean rolled his head to a more comfortable position, his eyes were closed gently and the creases around his mouth smoothed out. A minute later Dean was snoring.

That was when Sam understood the reason for Dean's sleeplessness. With Dean's eyes closed it was as if he was blind as well as deaf, cut off from everything and almost like he was trapped in his body. That had to be scary as hell, especially for a hunter who always had to be aware of their surroundings. When Sam had placed his hand on Dean and had not let go, it was giving Dean a connection to the outside world, reminding him that he was still here and not lost in his mind.

Now that Sam was thinking about it...Dean always needed some sort of noise to help him get to sleep, some sort of distraction. If they were in an apartment the ceiling fan would have to be on, sometimes he would leave music lightly playing, the TV on low volume. It was just something that helped him get to sleep but wasn't loud enough to overpower any sounds that a creature might make sneaking into the room.

And now Dean doesn't have that...he doesn't have any sound at all. Sam can't sit by his bedside every night until he falls asleep. It's not that Sam wouldn't do it or would mind doing it but because Dean wouldn't allow it. Dean needed something to feel, something constant.

Sam had an idea.

* * *

Dean woke up to see Sam rummaging around in a rather large bag. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the clock to see that it was eleven in the morning. He was shocked to say the least. When he finally did end up falling asleep it would be late into the night and because of pure exhaustion. It was never a deep or peaceful sleep and he would end up waking up much too early. He wracked his brain to try to think of how last night had been different and immediately blushed and looked away from his brother when he remembered Sam sitting by his bed with a hand on his arm. Now Sam knew about his sleeping problems, great...just freaking great.

Dean was forced to look at his brother when Sam threw a pillow from the other bed at him. His little brother grinned.

"Hey. Good morning." Dean read Sam's lips as his brother switched over to sign. _Sleep good?_

The older brother stretched and leaned back against his pillow. God, it had felt so good to sleep but he was still tired as hell. "Yeah, actually I did." He said, choosing to ignore the fact that Sam knew all about his sleeping problems now.

Sam smiled. _Got you something._ He signed so quickly with excitement that Dean almost missed what he said. Sam then turned around and lifted a box from the bag he had brought in sometime while Dean was sleeping. His little brother opened the box and held out a pretty expensive and nice looking electric table fan. What the hell?

"Uhhh Sammy?" Dean started to say and was pretty sure his facial expressions said the rest.

Sam placed the fan on the small nightstand in-between the beds and plugged it in. _For you. _

Dean cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah I get that, but why?" He watched as Sam let out a breath and knew he was sighing. Then his huge little brother bent down, switched the fan on and turned it so it faced Dean.

As soon as the cool air hit the older Winchester's face he felt instantly relaxed. Without even knowing it he closed his eyes and for the first time didn't feel completely lost in the dark and silence. He hated admitting to himself that he needed that sense of touch to make up for the loss of his other senses while he slept. But this way he was getting it without having to burden his brother and the fan was the perfect solution. It was continuously blowing air, letting him constantly feel something so he could close his eyes and know that he wasn't trapped inside of his body.

Deep into his thoughts, Dean caught himself drifting off and forced his tired body to stay awake for just one more minute.

"Hey Sammy?" Dean didn't even know if his voice sounded understandable, or even came out at all. But to his luck Sam turned around to look at him.

"Thanks."

Sam just smiled and signed something short.

_You're welcome, jerk._


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks so much for all of the feedback on the first part of this two-shot piece! I'm so glad people like it. This part is a bit longer. The first half is from Sam's point-of-view and then it switches to Dean's. I Hope you'll enjoy this one as well! Happy reading! And if you have any suggestions for future stories in this verse, feel free to let me know!_

* * *

There were some cases where Dean simply could not come along to interview with Sam. The ones where they had to interview police or the one's where they had to pretend to be professionals were nearly impossible to pull off. Sure, Dean was getting better at lip-reading but it was so hard to follow a frantic person who had just lost a friend or family member. They talked so fast and their head never stayed still. Dean would rather not lip read anyway, he preferred sign.

At first he wasn't all too fond of the idea of sign language and just went along with it mainly to please Sammy and so he could understand his brother better. But as the months went on Dean really enjoyed it. He didn't use it so much himself since he was fully capable of talking, but he liked that his brother had taken the time out to learn sign instead of solely relying on lip-reading which was much harder to decipher.

Using sign embarrassed him for a while, back when he was still feeling sorry for himself and having a real hard time adjusting to things. Sam wanted to use sign in public and Dean hated that, people would stare and while Dean was used to getting stared at...this wasn't the same sort of stare. It made him feel less significant and like he didn't fit in. He yelled at Sam once to stop and his brother just gave him a mean glare and listened by stopping sign altogether. For the rest of that week when they were out in public Dean had no idea what was going on and what Sam was saying or thinking. He had never felt so lost and alone with his brother and after a week of true humiliation Dean took back what he had said.

Sam would sign to Dean constantly now when they were out. Dean decided to screw it and ignore people's stares, most of them were just out of curiosity anyway and so what if he didn't fit in? He never had anyway, they were hunters after all. He was deaf and couldn't understand his brother if he talked so they had to use a different form of communication, simple as that. It was something he would have to get used to doing everyday and he no longer worried about it. It was a part of his life now.

A while ago Dean had come to realize just how lucky he was to have Sam as a brother, for Sam to be the type of person he was. Not anyone would take up the hard and daunting task of learning a language only for your brother. Sam never once complained about it and would sit there for hours with Dean going over new signs with him. It was for this reason why he had come to peace with Sam leaving for college and had completely forgiven him. All Sam did was leave for college; it was no reason to be angry at him. He had wanted an education and only lost contact because of their father refusing to let him. It didn't make Sam a bad or uncaring person. Dean had thought the whole time Sam was gone that his brother obviously didn't care or miss him at all. But Sam's dedication during these past months had wiped any doubt from his mind. If Sam didn't care then he simply wouldn't have helped Dean through all these difficult struggles. Sam's dedication towards being able to communicate and hunt with him proved to Dean that this was real, his brother wasn't pretending and wouldn't just get up and leave him one day. That meant the world to Dean and just made him love the kid even more....not that he would ever tell Sam, that is.

Dean could come along with Sam to comfort family and friends of victims though. They just claimed that they were friends of the victim or worked with them, it was not like Dean being deaf was a reason to be suspicious in that scenario.

This time they were comforting a young woman who lost her husband. They were just about to have a baby and bought a brand new house. Apparently while the couple were kissing on their balcony he decided to take a swan dive out of the blue.

Sam introduced himself to the woman and motioned towards Dean who waved and gave a slight smile. The story this time was that the two of them were distant cousins of the husband. Sam talked to the woman and by the look on his face he was comforting her. She was sobbing uncontrollably, looking back and forth between the brothers and said something that Dean by no means could make out.

Sam gave her a quick squeeze on the shoulder and turned to face Dean. _Says nice to meet family. _He translated for his brother before adding more in. _I will ask if anything strange._

That was the real nice thing about sign. Sam could tell him so many things about the hunt or clues he had right when he found them out. The people around them were clueless to it and it always gave Dean a chance to then search the house for anything that might be related to the case. They could talk about the creatures right in front of the civilians.

The woman just continued bawling, clearly not sparing a second thought about Dean's deafness as Sam tried to get information from her.

_Black eyes. _Sam signed to him after a moment.

_I check house. _Dean signed back this time, one of the few times he did so were in these occasions. At times when he had to tell Sam something that he didn't want others to know.

"Do you mind if I use your restroom ma'am?" Dean said suddenly and shocked the woman. For a second she seemed confused from Dean talking, clearly not thinking that he could, but then she either brushed it off or didn't care. She said something that Dean had no chance of reading because she looked down at the floor as she spoke.

_Second floor. Third door left. _Sam signed for him and Dean gave him a thumbs up, their signal for 'thanks'.

Dean headed up the stairs while Sam failed at trying to console the woman and awkwardly sat on the couch as she continued to sniffle. About five minutes later Sam heard Dean's footsteps and breathed a sigh of relief. However that relief was short lived as the footsteps turned into a loud thud followed by the sound of something rolling down the steps.

The woman gasped in shock as Sam sprinted towards the steps to find his brother lying in a heap at the bottom. Without even thinking he knelt down and gently cradled his brother's head in his hands, checking for injury. Dean moaned at the touch and Sam was just happy that he was still awake. What the hell had just happened?

Sam turned Dean over to see that his eyes were closed, there was a small cut on his head that was bleeding but Dean looked more nauseous that anything. Vertigo, _shit._

Sam had managed to half drag Dean out of the woman's house, having to end the interview short, not that they were getting anywhere anyway. Dean's eyes remained closed the entire ride back to the motel and it wasn't until he felt the Impala stop that he opened them, swaying in the seat a bit.

"Hey." Sam tapped him on the shoulder and his brother looked over with glazed eyes. Knowing that Dean couldn't read lips well after a bout with vertigo he signed. _You okay? _

"I'm fine. My head hurts like hell though." Dean told him, his words slurring a little and much too loud. "Hit it on a step when I fell."

Sam gave Dean a worried look which caused the older brother to roll his eyes. "I'm fine Sammy, just need some time to sleep it off is all."

_Lie down. _Sam signed to him and for once Dean listened to him, falling onto the bed as soon as they entered the motel. He didn't even seem to need the fan but Sam turned it on anyway for his brother, knowing how much it comforted him.

* * *

Luckily Dean seemed to be okay after getting some rest and taking a few aspirin. Other than the big lump on the side of his head and a few bruises, he was fine. Well enough to head over to a bar where the husband's friends liked to hang out at according to the wife.

They entered the building and even though Dean had been in a few bars since the accident, he never would get used to the lack of sound in such a lively place. But there was no use dwelling on the past and moping on what could have been, not when he was perfectly healthy and had so much life left to live. Dean had come to realize quite a while ago that despite not being to hear he was going to live his life to the fullest. He'd hunt evil sonuvabitches, hustle pool, eat pie, bicker with his brother and flirt with girls just as he always had.

Dean was lucky it was his ears he'd lost and not his eyes. Being deaf didn't affect his ability to play one mean game of cards or own the pool table. Some of the guys would seem a bit put off by Dean's silence while playing pool but it just made him seem that much more threatening. Plus, he had Sam there to translate anything the guys might be saying. Some of the thugs didn't like the sign language or the fact that he was deaf for some reason and would put up a fight, so finding people to play against wasn't as easy. But Dean was getting that covered as well sine he was basically training Sam to be just as good as him when hustling. Pretty soon his brother would be making the big bucks as well.

But today they were good on money so there was no need to hustle. They were just here to relax and try to find any information on the case, if possible.

Sitting down at the bar, Sam ordered two beers for each of them. _How find friends? _Sam signed to Dean, obviously talking about the dead man's friends that would hopefully shed more information than the guy's hysterical wife.

Dean shrugged. "I dunno, ask around I guess. Someone's bound to know him here. And even if his friends aren't here, someone's sure to know where to find them."

Sam scrunched his face up and leaned closer, a look of confusion. "What?" He both mouthed and signed and Dean found it absolutely hilarious that Sam wasn't able to hear his deaf brother because it was too loud in the bar. From Dean's laughter Sam's frown turned into a grin as he too shook with laughter. For just a moment, Dean allowed himself a bit of self-pity from the lack of sound coming from Sam's laugh. Sam rarely laughed enough, trying to be all-too serious and Dean would give just about anything to just hear his brother's laugh one more time, for just a second. It had been years since he heard the amazing noise. But Sam was laughing, sound or not and Dean's job along with protecting Sam was to make him happy. At least he was succeeding.

He waved a hand at his brother before signing back. _Ask around. Don't worry. Move somewhere quiet?_

Sam nodded; pointing to the corner of the bar where there were only two girls chatting and Dean followed him. As they walked over he caught the girls staring at the both of them and winked back. He did still love to flirt but not nearly as much as he used to. In fact, he never flirted long enough for the girl to find out he was deaf.

However, these girls seemed stubborn, and very cute to say the least as they marched on over. Dean caught the 'hi' and he thought the girl's name might be Jackie before he got lost in the rest of the introduction. Before Sam could say anything though, Dean jumped in.

"Hey. I'm Dean and this is my little brother Sammy." He didn't bother to make up names; these girls wouldn't remember them in a day anyhow. From the corner of his eye Sam cringed and Dean realized all too late that he had introduced him by the dreaded nick-name that no one but Dean was supposed to call him by. Dean ruffled Sam's hair for some added-humiliation.

He watched the girls giggle as the shorter of the two said something else Dean didn't catch. It was aggravating, trying to talk to someone who you couldn't understand. Beginning to feel frustrated, Dean decided to screw it and just let them know the truth.

"Sorry, but I can't understand you. I'm actually deaf." Dean ducked his head after he said so. He wasn't sure why...it wasn't because he was embarrassed...maybe it was just because he wanted to seem accepted. He spared a short look at his brother who had started to squirm and then back at the girls who were staring with their mouths wide open.

But they weren't moving away, or looking appalled. That was good. They just looked...shocked.

"No way!" He read the shorter one..._Jackie's?_ lips.

"Yes way." Dean responded and chuckled when both girls looked at him with genuine confusion. "I can read lips. I only recently lost my hearing in the past year."

"How?" The taller one asked in which Dean just responded with the truth. There was a massive explosion that had basically blown out his eardrums. They both seemed fascinated and Dean didn't fail to notice how Jackie kept leaning closer and closer to him until she was practically pressed against his side, looking up at him with adoring eyes like he was some kind of hero.

They asked some more questions, being kind enough to speak slowly enough so that he could understand their words, something Dean wasn't used to when dealing with other people and he immediately fell into his comfort zone. He felt incredibly at ease chatting with the girls and flirting with them. It looked like Dean Winchester's charm wasn't lost at all. He was so absorbed into talking with them that he nearly forgot about his brother until Sam tapped him on the shoulder.

_They like you. _He signed and even though Sam was offering him an encouraging smile Dean saw right through it. Sam's eyes looked sad and Dean could tell by his little brother's posture and quick signings that he felt left out and awkward. _I go to motel. You stay. Have fun._

As soon as Sam signed the last word Dean felt an immediate wave of guilt crashing down and suddenly he wasn't having such a great time after all. He grabbed at Sam's sleeve, pulling him back and turning him around.

"Hey, I'm sorry Sammy. I didn't mean to leave you out. Come on, stay please?" He asked his brother. Sam needed to get out more, flirt more. Get his mind off Jessica to help him move on and get rid of the nightmares.

Sam shook his head. _It okay. You-_

But before Sam could sign anymore the taller girl was right beside him, eyes full of amazement. She said something that Dean couldn't catch from looking at her from the side and then Sam was blushing and running a hand through his hair. His dimples showed as he replied and that's when it was the girl's turn to blush and grin, as if she was seeing Sam for the first time.

Dean cocked an eyebrow as he signed. _What?_

Sam blushed again. _Likes how I sign to you. Thinks it's cute._

Dean laughed in response causing the girls to giggle and say something to the effect of 'no secrets'. From then on it was smooth sailing, or at least Dean thought so. The girls would ask Sam and Dean how to sign certain words as both brothers made up a story of why they were spending time in the town. The hunt could wait for tonight, today they were just going to have a good time.

As the night came to a close Jackie pulled Dean aside and asked without words if he'd like to go back to her place. Dean grinned and pulled her into a kiss. Pulling back, he looked over his shoulder to see the other girl, Gina, who seemed to be asking Sam the same thing. Dean felt joy for his brother until Sam frowned and told Gina something. At first she seemed upset but then Dean saw sympathy in her eyes as she nodded and gave Sam a tight hug and a small peck on the lips. Then she was gone.

Dean understood completely. Sam wasn't ready to do anything with a girl yet. He mentally kicked himself for wanting Sam to get over Jess this quickly. He would never get over her, he loved her and they had been together for so long. Hell, Sam had even told Dean that he wanted to marry her. Sam needed time, not other girls to help him forget.

Jackie seemed to notice to and gave Dean a questioning look. When he didn't respond she started pulling him along but Dean stopped her.

"I'm sorry. I'd love to go back to your place but my brother seems upset. He lost his girlfriend earlier this year and I don't think he was ready for anything yet. I'm sorry but my brother comes first."

Dean was expecting a slap in the face, or at least a pout or some yelling. But to his surprise Jackie's face softened and her eyes sparkled, showing even more adoration.

"That's so sweet." She said. And Dean caught from her next two sentences something he assumed was "You're a great guy." and "You'll make some girl very happy."

Swallowing, Dean chose not to linger on that last sentence as she pulled him down for a lingering kiss before smiling and following her friend out the door.

Dean watched her leave and then walked back to the table where Sam was sitting. His brother looked up in surprise when he heard Dean approaching.

_You not leaving?_ Sam signed and Dean noticed his hands were shaking. Poor kid. He was probably stuck between wanting to kiss this girl and his fear that he would be betraying Jess. He placed a hand on Sam's shoulder and smiled.

"Nah, you're more important. How 'bout we order some pizza and watch some cheap movie to end the night?" Dean had a feeling his words were probably slurring from his alcohol intake. But whether or not he was difficult to understand Sam grinned and nodded, the tension basically melting off of him.

And with that Dean tossed him the keys. There would be countless faceless girls in bars all around the country but there was only one Sammy.

And he always came first.


End file.
